"Feelings" - THE WORD

Is my world gradually falling apart or this is my thought taking full advantage of my innocence? My life is beginning to scatter into different pieces as I watched my past play before my very eyes. My bones leaving my body as they move in a direction well known to them. I could barely hear a sound from my own bones as they move in accord, my flesh barely said a word, as the only living thing, which I was able to witness the squalid  sight rolled out a hard hot drop of pain in a harmless colour which reflected my swollen sockets as I glared at  it. The drops became rainfall as self-pity and pain engulfed me, this time it wasn’t only a beloved that was violently attacked. I began to drown in my own tears that had become an ocean of reddish white. This time my black fathomless eyes were barely seen or felt, all I could feel was a heartburn that came from within. It was like a king Kong was leveraging amid empty garage my eyes had once occupied. Am I the only one filled with pain? Grieve? For the unknown which is best known to me. Was coming back really a blessing or a curse? glued frantically as I watched a beloved being violently attacked (by a masculine body that supposed to be his guide) helplessly in search of breathing. No better thing could come out of this but it’s easy to glare at the pain in letters than to face it stare in reality and watch its Sharp edge piercing through a perfectly shaped image which happens to be my heart, deeply as I bleed.It was too blinded to notice, too blinded with grief and anger that it forgot it was hurting a whole squad, drifting into hell with eyes open. Words to deep but get too hard to rephrase every letter without leaving a trail mark. We were deceived, deceived beyond an illusion that we were loved but what I see was a dark heart, lonely road, a drive alone in a masculine body. He was what I cherish, what I called beloved and hoped that one day he will match my baseless fantasies. Guessed my hopes were clouding the air given comfort to the wandering birds. It was quite a sight to behold for a dark heart, am certain I felt like a high school girl at that moment. If only he knew how I loved him, if only he knew how dearly I wanted to make him proud but now, all that are just past desires. How I wish I couldn’t put an ugly face of my life down but he left me with no choice. All I feel is a wild rage growing inside, pain from every second spent, every thought of mine yelled regrets, disgrace, not worthy to be called. My presence alone caused havoc imagine what my words could do. I never knew I was this much of a bitch in an angelic form. I hated myself so much for every single pain unintentionally caused. Thought to myself the only way to relieve her was to die, now I knew the devil was taking a tour on me. I was a mistake, her worst nightmare, her horrific alarm, her harshly sunny noon, but our love didn’t speak clear in words and action. It was a wrongly directed anger that keeps shooting at the first sight of me. I had no one to call a friend. At this point, the holy trinity was too hard to reach out to without a thought flinching in. I knew how she felt, the one I could possibly lay a life for. She went to her room with a head so full that the only message it could send was rolling waters on a pale cheek. Yes, I was the course as obliged to believe. My words struck her heart as she redirected the pain. Some added flavour from a ruthless behaviour left her bitter. I missed the old her, our old life, our old love. Now responsibility seemed like duty and love seemed like hatred, we have got to learn the difference. Guess she feels the way I feel or even worse but that’s expected with my presence. My vision became black as I realised the ugly beast I was becoming. Teardrops rolling down as I see the little me leave. WISH I WASN’T BORN – 00:39am thoughts.